A Dream

If I could make you mine I would
It would not take the time it should
To make you love me and for me to love you
To always have you face to face
To be anywhere, do anything for you

Baby no one could take your place
Any worries just erase
Because I promise you I'll always take your side
Just breathe and know that I'm right here
Erase your sorrow and your fear
I've got a heart big enough for you and I

It would never be too hard
Life would be grand
Let down your guard
I'm here to treat you like a real good woman should
And show you no one can take my place
Let doubt go, see it in my face
That you are king, and I am here to be your queen.

If only it weren't just a dream...

How You Got In

There is rarely a time
You don't cross my mind.
I long to see those eyes
And everything inside.
Not sure how you got in
I tried so hard to keep you out.
But you have a special place with me
Now there is no doubt.
I never saw it coming
Not back then and not right now.
But you are who I think of
I gave up wondering how.

Patricia E. Hackel, Rest In Peace

I can't read through these pages of my days with you
Without feeling the void and there's nothing I can do
I can't bring you back, I can't fill that space
Everytime I think of you I sink into that empty place
Where you are missing and we are here
Without you another day, another month
Soon enough a whole year.

I never did have time to heal
Everything still hurts to feel
Since I left home quickly and came to Iraq
Part of me is still expecting you when I get back
Everytime I have to tell myself that you will not be there
I feel my heart break and I cry until I'm gasping for air.

There will never be another you
Trying to be more like that person is all I can do...

(written: 21 November 2010)

Moments

High hopes
Shadows fall
As day turns night
The hope stands tall
Two lovers
These streets
Hand in hand
Steps match heartbeats
Time heavy as sand

Love like butter
Pour it on
Dance although
There is no song
Arms wrapped
Face to face
Feet move slowly
But hearts race

A glance
A kiss
Passion so heavy
The air is thick

Beautiful moments
In every day
Give them notice
For time won't delay

(written: 12 December 2010)

From Your Eyes

From your eyes
A luminescent glow
Straight to my heart
By now you know
Just where I stand
Heart on my sleeve
I do so hope
It's not a dream
Reading you isn't easy
You're on so many levels
But I know you see me
For who I am
Given the time and space
Where this all began
Somehow it found a place
I desire for it to stand
Nothing is quite set in stone
But I don't want you
Going home alone
You deserve it all
I'm willing to make that call
And yes there's space
Between the dream
Still so much left
That is yet to be seen

Still, from your eyes
A luminescent glow
Straight to my heart
Someday you'll know

(written: date n/a)

Ode To 4 Years

There isn't a bad word I would say about you
You are someone to me who I always knew
Had a purpose in my life and you fulfilled
Doesn't matter we're not together, the love can't be killed.

I used to draw hearts next to your name
My time with you was never a game
Sometimes I get lost in the hurt that you caused
But when I feel with my heart, all hurt is paused.

You always were there for me, thick and thin
And today you still are, a 'thank you' can't begin
To describe the gratitude I have in my heart
You were someone special from the very start.

And love is what I'll always feel for you
Someday it would end, I guess I knew
But now we can continue to build, it never ends
Because deep down we were always the best of friends.

(written: 8 December 2010)

Speak

Just to hear you speak,
Your voice, it's warming.
My heart wants to peak,
With love, it's forming.
I can feel it when I hear you.
You're voice, it's warming.

Kindling a flame that suddenly grew.
It's like an emission of light through a cloudy haze,
Your voice, it's warmth on the coldest days.
Spark a flame and gently blow,
Speak my name to it, speak nice and slow...

Call me so I can hear you speak,
Your voice, it's strong.
You touch my heart, leave me weak.
I can feel it when I long,
For your voice, it's calming and renewing.
Your voice, it's soothing.

(written: date: date n/a)

Let Go

I know what it is in life I need
And I'll make life of these dreams I feed
I spent a long time building this
   A fortress inside
   But I rarely hide
   Anymore anyway
   Life's too short to live that way...

This is who I am, who I'll always be
Everything you see and more, this is me
I spent a long time learning to embrace
   Myself from the inside out
   To embrace hope and let go doubt
   Getting older scared me
   Until I let go and let it be...

I let go the pain, the sorrow, the apathy
So I could fully allow myself to be free
Free to be happy and whole and womanly
And I have come to believe it is far better to be a woman than a girl.

(written: 4 December 2010 & 6 December 2010)

Good Love

Hot cocoa when it's cold out
Warm hands to warm your feet
Good love to warm your heart
So it is free to beat...
As fast as we can make it
Slowing down when we are resting
I am giving and investing
Oh love, don't let me down...
A soul good enough to make you feel young
But traveled enough to make you feel home
No matter where we go
Or when we are apart...
My love will see you through it
Feel my smile in your heart
I'll feed you when you are hungry
And give you all you need...
To see you through the brighter days
And the dark ones, yes indeed
I've got so much to offer
And I'm offering it all to you...
Don't let this one go easy
You've got to see it through
Good love to warm your heart
So let's commence the beat...
In time with mine
Our souls aligned
Good love to see you through
All you've got to be is true...
Just put your hands in mine
Go on look into these eyes
I'm sure you'll find what I find
When I'm looking into you...
Good love to get you through
The best of times and worst
This I can promise you
I'll never be the one to make you hurt...
You've shown me all I need to see
Got everything that makes my heart beat
In any range of beat possible for man
Give me good love, I know you can...
And take all of mine in return
It'll soothe you, it'll make you yearn
For more and more and it is here
Just take my hand and it's yours dear...

(written: date n/a)

Let Me

Watching you walk away
Is not that easy, save me
I just want you to stay
I'm hoping someday maybe

If I could see your face each day
Make you coffee while you crawl out of bed
Like you've never known; love you in every way
Can't seem to get you out of my head

Make you dinner before you rest
And breakfast when you wake
None of your time is spent in jest
I'd do anything for your heart's sake

So let me call you baby, baby
Let me in and let me stay
All worth it in the long run, baby
Make each other smile everyday

So let me call you baby, baby
I'll always take your side
All worth it in the long run, baby
Just to see your smile so wide

(written: date n/a)

Didn't Take Long

My heart flutters at the thought of you
Remembering your hands, strong hands
When I see you I'm lost, what do I do?
Tongue tied with butterflies inside

Reaching out is what I often do
But you make me want to reach within
Feelings didn't take long, they quickly grew
An aching, a longing. My soul, my soul...

My heart, our eyes, your hands, my hips
I could forever attach myself to those lips
And never let go, hang on for good
My heart feels you in ways I doubt it should
But everything tells me to go with you
Feelings didn't take long, they quickly grew

And everything is flashing green
I'm willing to run, to cause a scene
Like sprinting feet just hit the floor
Just to feel your touch some more

Your warm and gentle touch
Turns passionate and aching
I feel the same inside
I am yours for the taking

Hold On

The lights are going down, but give me hope
Shadows falling all around, but give me hope
When doubt creeps in, please give me hope
Because I'll hold on with just a little hope

I know myself now, better than ever before
I know who I am, what I stand for
I believe in these dreams and in the fight
To keep going, to hold on with all my might

I know I am worth more than the lines I've been fed
And I hold on for actions; not what is said
No one but me knows all I have to give
I hold on because I've got one life to live

Witnessing my Grandmother fight until the end
The memory of a woman who never really gave in
I hold on to those many lessons learned
I hold on to living a life I have earned

Watching my parents work to build us a life
A fearless husband, a loving wife
I hold on to memories of struggles and tears
I hold on to admiration for their many years

The love I've felt throughout my life
The pain that's cut and caused much strife
I hold on to everything that I've felt
For those are lessons, the cards I've been dealt

I hold on because I know I'm the one
Who makes my life hard, who makes it fun
I hold on with passion to never let go
To what I desire, what I don't yet even know

(written: 28 November 2010 & 1 December 2010)

Far Better

The second sight was far better than the first
Through your eyes I could see so much you never had to say
But when you speak and say my name, my heart stops
I could listen to you talk about nothing all day

Your eyes, those eyes, they mirror mine
I like looking at yours far better, though
They searched me and didn't come up short
Because the words you said had me ready to go

Anywhere at anytime, any place but here
Somewhere far better it would be you and I
Because when I look at you I see nothing else
And I'm willing to bet I wouldn't bother to try

When I see you I light up so bright
A smile stretched from ear to ear
But I like yours far better than mine
I want that smile right now, right here

Trouble With This Story

You said you give it a month
Before you push away
Well then, I've given more than enough
There's not much more to say.

You may not know who I write about next
But you know that this one is for you
It may be the last time I put thoughts of you in text
I fought, I tried, only so much I can do...

You never put yourself all in
But you expected that from me
I don't think you even listen
To what the underlying theme might be...

This once was a story
That didn't know how to end
Nothing of guts and glory
But breaking my back to bend...

This is where the story
May find it's way to end
Your careless hands don't feel me
So let's just not pretend.

Hope

Telling the story
How it went down
In the parking lot
Looking all around

Nowhere in sight
The mood was killed
And then it hit me
Hope fulfilled

So there's a chance
I'll gladly take it
And sing the whole song
No reason to fake it

Open your heart
Or at least your eyes
Take a chance
Let yourself realize

Here it all is
Open hands
Open mind
Open plans

My hope for you
Is that you are for me
Give in for once
Who knows what will be


(written: 26 November 2010)

Have To Believe

I have to believe that anything is possible,
Like a smile that lasted long after seeing you.
I have to believe I felt something with reason,
But if I see you again, will I know what to do?

My heart plays blind but knows the truth.
The days of making something from nothing are through.
When I first saw that smile and those beautifully deep eyes,
I got a feeling my heart didn't take long to recognize...

So I have to believe that anything is possible,
And I have to believe God knew I'd see you.
And I have to believe my heart will guide me,
Because it plays blind but knows the truth.

The Storm Clears

We've been through some storms together,
We've seen worse and better weather.
Did it take me going to war to see
You may be the best match made for me?

Your smile, your laugh, I miss...
I miss your touch, your tender kiss.
The way you love me
That even you don't see,
Being without it wears on me.

Your comfortable with me
And you love to take care.
I miss you caressing my long hair.
I'm comfortable with you
And I love being there,
No matter when, no matter where.

I miss you deeply,
And love you as much
As anyone can feel
The sun's warm touch.

I yearn for the day when I can see you again.
You're my lover, my fighter, and my best friend.

Random Feelings

My heart is broken, shielded pain
There goes our life, our everything
Right down to love and dreams and goals
You took my heart, you took it whole

So here I go in search of light
It's been a beautiful, painful fight
Loving you was not always easy
But always came so naturally

I'm lost in mind and soul and heart
Not sure where I'll go, who I'll be
Sometimes I feel we gave our best
Often times I hoped we were better than the rest

At times I wondered if you were truly mine
Part of me knew you wouldn't be in time
So now I'm left with questions to face
No answers to them, maybe it's fate

But loving you was never a mistake
You made a woman from a girl
Who can appreciate
All that you gave, all you took
You consumed my heart
Down to every nook

And now I have to take it back
Seeing this end for what it lacked
Still, I can't get over you and her
Right now 4 years is such a blur

(written: 21 October 2010)

Choices

Choices. So many choices.
I hear your voices.
But then there's mine.
Choices. So many choices.
Crowded by noises.
In search of quiet.

Time will tell, yes time will tell.
Oh here we go again.
I've got time, yes still there's time
So before I walk away from here
Let's just make this very clear...

Choices. So many choices.
I hear your voices.
But then there's mine.
Choices. Too many choices.
Crowded by noises.
But it comes down to mine.

This time I'm going to give it time.
This time I'm going to decide.
Just when I think I'm of sound mind,
I'm stuck here with nothing but this time.


(written: 31 October 2010)

I Will Be There

I will be there
Thick and thin
Let's stop the end
And just begin
To build
To see
What life can bring
The ups
The downs
What grows within

I will be there
In need and doubt
Let's make a pact
And figure out
The good
The bad
What's in between
The happy
The sad
What's yet to be seen

I will be there

(written: 19 November 2010)
[this poem was written about and inspired by a class that I took here in Iraq that taught about suicide intervention. ASIST.]

Dead Air

I'm sorry, is that what you want to hear?
I seek no apologies, each feels like a breath of dead air.
So what do you want? Do you want? Do you know what you want?
You make the indecision seem like an attractive venture...
Keep driving that nail 'til it hits the center.

Reaching out or reaching within...
Accepted faults, here there is no sin.
Keep pulling and taking,
Each piece of me you tear
Slowly fades out as it hits dead air.
So long before it's all but gone,
I sat to write to you
This is your song.

Always assuming the bad's aimed at you,
That's a confession,
Whether or not you know- it's true.
I cannot get to you, always trying to get to you
It's like separating two magnets
Reinforced by superglue.
And you know it's true,
It won't be long before I'm through.


(written 2 Novemeber 2010)

Dreams

Unraveling a million saved up dreams
Like scraps of paper crumpled into a giant ball
Waking up from endless dreams
Of what I've wanted to do, to be

Life seems to have shifted
Endless possibilities ahead
Coming back from having drifted
Recovery comes from my stead

(written: 17 Nov 2010)

(No Title)

Here I will write of broken dreams...
As memories they come to me,
In times when my mind is fed boring.

Of lost promises and hearts on strings...
Like puppets play, thoughts gathering.

Wash away the painful doubt
That life can't seem to go without.

Ride the tide and feel the pain,
Sunshine will come after rain.

(written: 29 June 2010)

Letting Go

Such tribulation in letting go
You will not say yes
You will not say no
 I hold on while I can
Through anxiety
Through affliction

My heart knows there is more
So it won't go
Without knowing what you came for
I hold on because I believe
In a chance
In a possibility

Such high risk in letting go
You won't know
And I won't know
But I hold on loosely
Because of anxiety
Because of a possibility

Sometimes letting go
Seems like the only way

I Am Not

I am not a girl who looks past stars
Knowing they will always be there
I am a dreamer, and a romantic
Even while alone, I stop and stare

I am not a girl who takes love lightly
It is much too powerful and sacred to be
Even after love given and painfully lost
The existance of love makes life worth living to me

I am not a girl whose family is torn
Although some may not see eye to eye
My parents, my siblings are all of my world
Blood is thicker than water is no word of lie

I am not a girl who settles into place
My dreams and my hopes take me worlds away
I will be everything I was born to be
And for this I thank God everytime I pray

(written: 18 Oct 2010)

Somehow

I think somehow I love you,
Only time can tell me this.
I think very highly of you,
I look to our future, I see bliss.

You are every word unspoken,
For fear, or worry, or doubt.
My time with you is a small token,
Of what I cannot live without.

In such short time you made me believe,
You pulled out the lost soul inside of me.
You aroused my being and lit my heart,
You're a gift from God; a work of art.

I think somehow you are my dream,
Everything I dreamed a man could be.
With or without you I know life carries out,
But it is far better with you, I have no doubt.

Another Day

It chokes, it stabs, it blurs my sight
Wish I were anywhere else tonight
If it could take the pain away
Of missing you another day

Red like fire, a vivid flame
Burning my throat, my heart the same
Emptiness but full of fear
Holding onto whatever is near

If it's the M16 I carry on my back
I'll hug it if it'll keep me on track
In days when you are not the same
It only adds bitterness to the pain

I've never felt it quite so real
On certain days I wake and heal
Until the lightening hits again
Deep in my soul, followed by its friend

As if there is thunder just inside
The skin that I try hard to hide
In the beauty I feel slipping away
I wake to miss you another day

(written: 22 August 2010)

H.O.L.T.

I found myself
Watching you, hoping for you, looking for you

I found you
In my thoughts, when you should not have been there

I caught myself
Wanting you, breathing you, really seeing you
Wondering if I'd ever get to taste that gorgeous mouth

Lost in your eyes
Stuck in your smile
I caught myself

(written [date intentionally left out... 2010] )

I Learn Again

My mind cannot be still tonight.
My heart does not lack fear.
For every trust I put in you,
Set me back at least a year.
Trials and miscommunications,
Eagerness to love left hungry, waiting.
Do not promise me the world
Then offer me a few good nights.

My mind cannot stop racing.
Thoughts of you, pushing on me.
It's everything I've given patience,
Impatiently tearing away from me.
Letting go and caring easy
Never came so drastically before.
It's maddening to think my heart betrays me,
Even after it's hit the floor.

The truth remains, I learn again...

On Time In Iraq

I thought maybe I'd find myself out here,
On this mission, gone a year.
I thought that I'd have time to find,
Something resembling peace of mind.

I look around, my sense slow,
One thing is true and always so...
Most of me rests at home in all of you,
No matter where I go,
No matter what I do.
My level mind rests half in your hands,
I'm truly beginning to understand.

The day by day, I take in stride.
Yes, life was easier at home by your side.
Still, some of us are meant to be tried,
How better to open the heart and minds eye.

(written 22 May 2010)