Trouble With This Story

You said you give it a month
Before you push away
Well then, I've given more than enough
There's not much more to say.

You may not know who I write about next
But you know that this one is for you
It may be the last time I put thoughts of you in text
I fought, I tried, only so much I can do...

You never put yourself all in
But you expected that from me
I don't think you even listen
To what the underlying theme might be...

This once was a story
That didn't know how to end
Nothing of guts and glory
But breaking my back to bend...

This is where the story
May find it's way to end
Your careless hands don't feel me
So let's just not pretend.

Hope

Telling the story
How it went down
In the parking lot
Looking all around

Nowhere in sight
The mood was killed
And then it hit me
Hope fulfilled

So there's a chance
I'll gladly take it
And sing the whole song
No reason to fake it

Open your heart
Or at least your eyes
Take a chance
Let yourself realize

Here it all is
Open hands
Open mind
Open plans

My hope for you
Is that you are for me
Give in for once
Who knows what will be


(written: 26 November 2010)

Have To Believe

I have to believe that anything is possible,
Like a smile that lasted long after seeing you.
I have to believe I felt something with reason,
But if I see you again, will I know what to do?

My heart plays blind but knows the truth.
The days of making something from nothing are through.
When I first saw that smile and those beautifully deep eyes,
I got a feeling my heart didn't take long to recognize...

So I have to believe that anything is possible,
And I have to believe God knew I'd see you.
And I have to believe my heart will guide me,
Because it plays blind but knows the truth.

The Storm Clears

We've been through some storms together,
We've seen worse and better weather.
Did it take me going to war to see
You may be the best match made for me?

Your smile, your laugh, I miss...
I miss your touch, your tender kiss.
The way you love me
That even you don't see,
Being without it wears on me.

Your comfortable with me
And you love to take care.
I miss you caressing my long hair.
I'm comfortable with you
And I love being there,
No matter when, no matter where.

I miss you deeply,
And love you as much
As anyone can feel
The sun's warm touch.

I yearn for the day when I can see you again.
You're my lover, my fighter, and my best friend.

Random Feelings

My heart is broken, shielded pain
There goes our life, our everything
Right down to love and dreams and goals
You took my heart, you took it whole

So here I go in search of light
It's been a beautiful, painful fight
Loving you was not always easy
But always came so naturally

I'm lost in mind and soul and heart
Not sure where I'll go, who I'll be
Sometimes I feel we gave our best
Often times I hoped we were better than the rest

At times I wondered if you were truly mine
Part of me knew you wouldn't be in time
So now I'm left with questions to face
No answers to them, maybe it's fate

But loving you was never a mistake
You made a woman from a girl
Who can appreciate
All that you gave, all you took
You consumed my heart
Down to every nook

And now I have to take it back
Seeing this end for what it lacked
Still, I can't get over you and her
Right now 4 years is such a blur

(written: 21 October 2010)

Choices

Choices. So many choices.
I hear your voices.
But then there's mine.
Choices. So many choices.
Crowded by noises.
In search of quiet.

Time will tell, yes time will tell.
Oh here we go again.
I've got time, yes still there's time
So before I walk away from here
Let's just make this very clear...

Choices. So many choices.
I hear your voices.
But then there's mine.
Choices. Too many choices.
Crowded by noises.
But it comes down to mine.

This time I'm going to give it time.
This time I'm going to decide.
Just when I think I'm of sound mind,
I'm stuck here with nothing but this time.


(written: 31 October 2010)

I Will Be There

I will be there
Thick and thin
Let's stop the end
And just begin
To build
To see
What life can bring
The ups
The downs
What grows within

I will be there
In need and doubt
Let's make a pact
And figure out
The good
The bad
What's in between
The happy
The sad
What's yet to be seen

I will be there

(written: 19 November 2010)
[this poem was written about and inspired by a class that I took here in Iraq that taught about suicide intervention. ASIST.]

Dead Air

I'm sorry, is that what you want to hear?
I seek no apologies, each feels like a breath of dead air.
So what do you want? Do you want? Do you know what you want?
You make the indecision seem like an attractive venture...
Keep driving that nail 'til it hits the center.

Reaching out or reaching within...
Accepted faults, here there is no sin.
Keep pulling and taking,
Each piece of me you tear
Slowly fades out as it hits dead air.
So long before it's all but gone,
I sat to write to you
This is your song.

Always assuming the bad's aimed at you,
That's a confession,
Whether or not you know- it's true.
I cannot get to you, always trying to get to you
It's like separating two magnets
Reinforced by superglue.
And you know it's true,
It won't be long before I'm through.


(written 2 Novemeber 2010)

Dreams

Unraveling a million saved up dreams
Like scraps of paper crumpled into a giant ball
Waking up from endless dreams
Of what I've wanted to do, to be

Life seems to have shifted
Endless possibilities ahead
Coming back from having drifted
Recovery comes from my stead

(written: 17 Nov 2010)

(No Title)

Here I will write of broken dreams...
As memories they come to me,
In times when my mind is fed boring.

Of lost promises and hearts on strings...
Like puppets play, thoughts gathering.

Wash away the painful doubt
That life can't seem to go without.

Ride the tide and feel the pain,
Sunshine will come after rain.

(written: 29 June 2010)

Letting Go

Such tribulation in letting go
You will not say yes
You will not say no
 I hold on while I can
Through anxiety
Through affliction

My heart knows there is more
So it won't go
Without knowing what you came for
I hold on because I believe
In a chance
In a possibility

Such high risk in letting go
You won't know
And I won't know
But I hold on loosely
Because of anxiety
Because of a possibility

Sometimes letting go
Seems like the only way

I Am Not

I am not a girl who looks past stars
Knowing they will always be there
I am a dreamer, and a romantic
Even while alone, I stop and stare

I am not a girl who takes love lightly
It is much too powerful and sacred to be
Even after love given and painfully lost
The existance of love makes life worth living to me

I am not a girl whose family is torn
Although some may not see eye to eye
My parents, my siblings are all of my world
Blood is thicker than water is no word of lie

I am not a girl who settles into place
My dreams and my hopes take me worlds away
I will be everything I was born to be
And for this I thank God everytime I pray

(written: 18 Oct 2010)

Somehow

I think somehow I love you,
Only time can tell me this.
I think very highly of you,
I look to our future, I see bliss.

You are every word unspoken,
For fear, or worry, or doubt.
My time with you is a small token,
Of what I cannot live without.

In such short time you made me believe,
You pulled out the lost soul inside of me.
You aroused my being and lit my heart,
You're a gift from God; a work of art.

I think somehow you are my dream,
Everything I dreamed a man could be.
With or without you I know life carries out,
But it is far better with you, I have no doubt.

Another Day

It chokes, it stabs, it blurs my sight
Wish I were anywhere else tonight
If it could take the pain away
Of missing you another day

Red like fire, a vivid flame
Burning my throat, my heart the same
Emptiness but full of fear
Holding onto whatever is near

If it's the M16 I carry on my back
I'll hug it if it'll keep me on track
In days when you are not the same
It only adds bitterness to the pain

I've never felt it quite so real
On certain days I wake and heal
Until the lightening hits again
Deep in my soul, followed by its friend

As if there is thunder just inside
The skin that I try hard to hide
In the beauty I feel slipping away
I wake to miss you another day

(written: 22 August 2010)

H.O.L.T.

I found myself
Watching you, hoping for you, looking for you

I found you
In my thoughts, when you should not have been there

I caught myself
Wanting you, breathing you, really seeing you
Wondering if I'd ever get to taste that gorgeous mouth

Lost in your eyes
Stuck in your smile
I caught myself

(written [date intentionally left out... 2010] )

I Learn Again

My mind cannot be still tonight.
My heart does not lack fear.
For every trust I put in you,
Set me back at least a year.
Trials and miscommunications,
Eagerness to love left hungry, waiting.
Do not promise me the world
Then offer me a few good nights.

My mind cannot stop racing.
Thoughts of you, pushing on me.
It's everything I've given patience,
Impatiently tearing away from me.
Letting go and caring easy
Never came so drastically before.
It's maddening to think my heart betrays me,
Even after it's hit the floor.

The truth remains, I learn again...

On Time In Iraq

I thought maybe I'd find myself out here,
On this mission, gone a year.
I thought that I'd have time to find,
Something resembling peace of mind.

I look around, my sense slow,
One thing is true and always so...
Most of me rests at home in all of you,
No matter where I go,
No matter what I do.
My level mind rests half in your hands,
I'm truly beginning to understand.

The day by day, I take in stride.
Yes, life was easier at home by your side.
Still, some of us are meant to be tried,
How better to open the heart and minds eye.

(written 22 May 2010)